This is what my friend Erika Napoletano, the infamous Chief Redhead at Redhead Writing, would call a Bitch Slap. Damn, but I wish I’d thought of that.

I’ll ask again … do you have a job? If so, it’s probably because the business you work for has customers. And when was the last time you gave a damn about those customers? Those pesky people who bug you incessantly with their neediness. Those annoying gnats that allow you to keep that job. The J.O.B. The thing that provides a living. That feeds your kids. That pays your rent.

Pull your heads out people!

Let me give you an example. Yesterday, I was at the neighborhood grocery store. I needed deli meat and I prefer the brand that this store carries. It’s also about five blocks from my house, so I shop there often. I got to the counter and there were 6 deli workers, all engaged in the business of doing something other than being even remotely interested in waiting on me. The only customer. I’m polite. So I waited. And waited. Then I waited some more. Then I realized they were playing the “I’m going to ignore her and let someone else wait on her – I’ve got stuff to do here” game. I’d recognize that game anywhere – it happens all too often.

So, panties most definitely in a wad and in a quiet rage, I huffed off to the front of the store and the customer service center. As if I have time for this crap. The young girl manning the counter asked if she could help. I replied that I wanted to speak with a manager. She said “sure thing” and poked her head into the office and spoke to ‘the guy’ and said “There’s a customer out here who wants to speak with you.” I suppose he grunted in response, but I’m not really sure.

And I waited. And waited. Then I waited some more. Have I mentioned that I’m not particularly good at waiting? The young lady realized that steam was about to come out of my ears, but she figured that cowering in a corner was safer than bothering her boss again and reminding him that I was waiting to be serviced. Oh, that sounds kind of nasty, doesn’t it. Not that kind of serviced.

Finally, I gave up. I have a business to run. Clients to keep happy, kids to feed, deli meat to buy. I went to the checkout counter to begin the process of paying for the groceries in my cart. When my friends, the checkers and baggers, asked about my shopping experience (as they are no doubt trained to do), I said that it was crap. That I’d gotten absolutely no service at the deli counter and when I went to the office to talk to the manager about it, I’d gotten no service there either. They shook their heads and said “That’s too bad. You’re in here a lot. You send a lot of money here.” No duh. And, for the record, not one of them beat feet over to the customer service office and dragged a manager out to rectify the problem. Another fail.

Speaking of money, let’s do some quick math. Some of you are smiling, I know. You know how I feel about math. But this is important. I cook. A lot. And feed a family of four. I spend, on average, $200 a week at this store. That equates to about $860 per month that I spend on groceries and other necessities. Round that off and say that my annual value to that particular store is about $10,000. Do you think that when those idiots at the deli case are ignoring me that they see a big, flashing sign with $10,000 on it – or do they just see some bothersome gal in sweats busting up their party and having the audacity to expect them to slice up a little turkey?

And that manager. What a moron. He doesn’t deserve his job, that’s for sure. Funny thing, I doubt he even knows it.

So, here’s the thing. I quit you, Cosentino’s Brookside Market. And now, I schlep an extra three miles over to the Hen House in Prairie Village and give them my $10,000. There, they welcome my business. They greet me enthusiastically, with a smile, and can’t wait to slice some turkey for me. And anything else I need they serve up graciously. That’s how you treat a customer, folks. As an aside, I’m not the only customer who feels that way about the Hen House – check out this Yelp review and you’ll see what I mean. I wonder if the folks at Cosentino’s have ever heard of Yelp. Hmmmm.

Don’t make the mistake of taking your customers for granted. Greet them every chance you get with a smile and an appreciation for the fact that they choose to spend their hard earned money with you – instead of with someone else. Small businesses who are looking for a way to differentiate themselves from the competition would be well-served to remember these simple words of advice. Treat your customers like royalty – they will reward you by coming back.

When I started to write this post, I really had to stop and reflect as to whether the topic of today’s rant should be on customer service or on consumer behavior. After much consideration, I settled on consumer behavior. And so the story begins …

As many of you know, I’m a mom with young kids – twins in fact. Like many moms, I make frequent (and often dreaded) trips to my local grocery store. The other day, I realized with great angst that it was “Garbage Day” and then realized, with even more angst, that my darling husband was conveniently out-of-town, as is so oft the case in my life. Why does this matter? Well, I’ll tell you. Here in beautiful Kansas City, MO, we have rules about garbage. Denizens of our fair city are permitted two and only two bags of garbage at the curb on a weekly basis. If you’re a garbage-generator (like me) there is a remedy – you can purchase little tags for $1 each and affix them to your “extra” bags and you’re good as gold. The only problem – there are only two nearby places a person can purchase these golden garbage tickets. One is my neighborhood grocery store.

So, at 6:30 pm I dragged my reluctant and tired progeny to the grocery store so as to purchase these golden garbage tickets. Whilst there, I conveniently purchased about $80 worth of ‘necessities,’ without which, I’m certain, my family could have not survived. The beauty of running in for just one thing – and you ALL know what I’m talking about here. So, I finally get in line, stand there waiting my turn, cajoling my children into continued good behavior (no easy trick at this hour) and, voila, it’s our turn. To my utter chagrin and NOT until after I’ve unloaded my $80 worth of necessities do I see a little sign that says “You cannot purchase stickers anywhere but at customer service counter.”

You have GOT to be kidding me. I came to this store just for stickers, bought $80 worth of other crap, stood on this long line with a bunch of other cranky people and NOW you tell me that I can’t buy the ONE THING I came here for in this line? No way! So I say to the young checker “You’re not really serious that I can’t buy garbage stickers in this line, right?” She gives me the blank look that goes right along with being a 16-year old working at a boring job and says “Nope, sorry” (clearly empathetic to my plight), and finishes my order. Shaking my head in disgust, I espy the line for the customer service desk, also conveniently the “10 items or less and smoker’s paradise aisle” which is now about 10 people deep. Super. My kids have been patient for all this time but are going to snap like twigs into full on meltdown at any moment. Parents – you know what I’m talking about. I have no choice, however, but to bribe them with even more candy and wait on the very long line for my doggone garbage stickers, positively steaming with disgust at the complete and total lack of knowledge about consumer behavior that this store is exhibiting.

It is finally my turn. As I place my order for stickers, I say to the clerk “I’m sure you didn’t make this rule, but seriously, what is the logic behind having this be the only place a person can purchase garbage stickers?” Funny thing, the store manager (are you hearing this Cosentino’s Price Chopper owners, in Brookside, MO?) was at that very moment walking by and, as he heard me start to ask a question, he paused, as if to offer sage guidance. However, when he heard my question, he quickly darted away, leaving the lowly clerk to answer. Impressive management style, huh? And the clerk graciously told me that they were having trouble with checkers ringing up the stickers properly, so they just quit allowing them to do it at all. Too bad, so sad for me that they can’t invest in training their checkers better – instead, the customers must pay.

Here’s how this whole thing relates to consumer behavior – and thanks for hanging in there with me. Grocery stores – ding*dong … I’m your target audience. I’m a mom with kids. I am in charge of feeding a family. I am the person who spends, on average $800 a month at your store. Are you listening yet? Ergo, I’m a pretty doggone valuable asset to you when it comes to your bottom line – aren’t I? As such, you should pay attention to the things that make me happy. For me, and I’m pretty sure I can speak for legions of moms out there, I want good products, clean stores, adequate parking, helpful staff and – most importantly – don’t make me wait on two separate lines for inconsequential things like garbage stickers. Don’t invent ways to inconvenience your customers – ever. Figure out ways to streamline their experience with you and you’ll have loyal customers for life. The thing about consumers – they like things that make their lives easier, not more difficult. So pay attention to the customers like me, Mr. Grocery Store Manager, because, here’s the thing – I have a choice about where to do my grocery shopping and, next time, I’m going to spend my $800 a month somewhere that values me. And values my time.

Consumer behavior. Whether you’re a grocery store owner or any other kind of business owner, learn this lesson and you won’t go wrong. Figure out what makes your customers’ lives easier and it will, no doubt, keep them coming back. Back it up with great customer service and good products and you’re in tall cotton. But don’t make decisions to save money because you can’t invest the time or energy in training YOUR people right and expect me to pay the price – when the price is my valuable time. It’s just not gonna happen. You see, grocery stores are a dime a dozen (at least they are in this town) and me and my $800 a month, we’re outta here. Thanks for the memories.